What if I am not able to... one day

10:35AM, 30 November 2010, PP, Cambodia

Good morning! It is the fresh and cold morning that made me lying on my bed since I woke up at 6AM. Yesterday I had a very severe headache, I don't know why it often happened to me lately during my self studying. It is not like the normal headache that I used to get, but it is kind of hard bearing headache, like something stabbing in my head at the back. I really want to fight with it,so I continue read read read but it becomes hurt and more hurt that force me to stop. Even I stop but it still lasts, I hardly sleep well as usual. I couldn't talk much at that time, cos it still hurts. She called me cos she was worried about me but I couldn't reply her answer steadily. I knew she would be unhappy less or more, and might have thought why I chose to bear hurt alone and why not sharing those with her. I really wanted but it was not yet time.

The upcoming exam approaches soon. only 9 days left to prepare for it, but I admit that I am not confident at all to pass both paper. It is my bad. I spend much time on it since the beginning of the term but it is not effective since many problems effects this. Recently, I am very committed to the preparation, but it turns to be negative cos of my headache. I guess I might have problem with physical illness related to head or brain. Last year, My friend also had this symptom cos he also studied ACCA that needs to study hard for each paper. Maybe he wants to get high score or so, he started being headache at the back like me now. He went to VN to do Xray, luckily the result was OK. I feel worried at that time that he might face the serious illness, but after getting the result, I was so released.

Now it is my turn. I hope I don't have anything wrong with my health cos I have many people to be responsible for. I don't want to make them disappointed in me and I don't want to leave them in the middle of nowhere at all. God! why are you so cruel with me? First, you took my healthy nose, and I become the person who hard breathe... Then You took my ears, even not deaf, but they becomes slow hearing, You took my bright eyes, resulting I wear glasses to read, to write, to see, to loot at thing.... and now do you want to take my head my brain more? Or you want to take my life? If I was alone in this world, I would sacrifice for you, but I have family, my beloved, who need me much. I can't leave them, can you give me a chance to have a healthy head to get what I want? Do you know I am too hurt to get such feeling ? the feeling that can't do anything I want...feeling like the disable person... Last night, my tear drops again when thinking of my beloved family and my beloved gf. I feel so hopeless at the time you made me like this. I don't know when I can recover from this or you take it forever?

After waking up from several hours sleep, I feel a bit better that makes me wanna write write write anything I face from today onward, cos I don't know when You took my hands more. I am afraid one day I can't realized who I am and the people around me. I am so scared when thinking about it. I wish it would not happen to me. I do only good things, so God won't punish me in that way surely.

Deepblue