Does god want to play with me

27-01-2011 Thursday 21:39

It is long time since exam that I was stuck and down cos of my brain. This morning I got a good news from GDCE my work place about the upcoming result released, I was so happy at the time. In the afternoon, happy time turned to the sad one. Why? It is my brain that can't work well like before and It is the illness which still follow me (headache and dizzy, nose problem, inspirational problem).

I am the person who never surrender before fighting since I was young and what I wanted to do must be done even thought sometimes I cannot be successful. Mainly, I am not a strong man who can use physical appearance to work, but I use a small complicated staff about several kg in my head to think, to study, to work, to earn and most of everything in my life, which is BRAIN. Without it, I can say that I will be a handicap person.

Many of my achievement in life and honorable credit is gained cos of IT. I have used it nearly 26 years already and I hope I can use it until the day I die. My health is not so good as other people , I often get sick esp my nose. Last time, I have my nose bone operated in VN that I was told it is curved. For this reason , I can't breathe well. After operation, I still feel bad and it still hurts when the changes of weather. The more serious one now is that it affects my head. I don't know it is the core cause to make me more headache than before or not, but I just feel that way.

Recently, I took exam for ACCA course and I was prepared much with those two rough courses that made me use my brain so bad. As a result, it becomes tired now and works improperly till now. This afternoon, I just corrected my student work and noted the mark in the list, I find it simple thing , but it turn me to be nearly crazy cos of the letter and confusing name. I was so stuck and my brain start crying.... Hmmm just a little staff like , I still can't control it , let alone the big matter. ACCA needs to use much thinking and analysing, so I must need a good brain to use to achieve it, but now what? My head is ached just only correcting homework, let alone ACCA papers. How about my work? my plan? my further study? Everything needs thinking. What can I do right now? I cannot do anything cos it is beyond my control.

I am really scared and afraid that I will become a handicapped one day. What if I turn crazy ? What if I turn to be a forgetful person? or What if I forget the past like a drama? If I live in this world alone, I would not be sad , but I have many people to take care of , so Plz my buddha, dont punish me in that way! Plz don't play with me so long ! Every time I think about it, It is hard to breathe... sigh... let me take deep breath before continue writing this ......Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hopefully, God doesn't block my way as My honey told me. I do the good thing since I was born, I never cheat people, never kill people, never do sth bad to society, so God won't punish me anyway. Happy to have her by my side when I was down. When I read her message in my FB, I felt as she was hugging me and saying those consoling word. Thanks you SD to be with me.

Good night.. cos I promised to follow what she told.

Deepblue Sky